#MeToo: Personal Experiences of Misconduct (Part 1)

“A survey of university students by the Human Rights Commission has found more than half of respondents were sexually harassed on at least one occasion last year.”(In 2016, Australia)  – ABC News, 1st Aug 2017

I know many of you have heard countless personal stories of sexual harassment since the Harvey Weinstein allegations were published last year. Its a topic I hope none of you have tuned out from reading because the nature of how often women are treated inappropriately is a genuine reality. As women we are warned constantly through cautionary tales and advice that alters our everyday behaviour. The more we talk about it, the more power we have in standing up to disgusting vile behaviour that should never have occurred. Maybe some incidents are prevented this way because more men will be fearful, having the knowledge that they can no longer get away with it so easily.

At one point when I was a child, I often had dreams of being a “star” through playing music or acting (Not that I could act). It was just this glamourised life that was easy to aspire to. After telling my mother, she told me I didn’t want that, because these were the industries that you would have to sleep with directors to get roles. While I did believe this was something a few women did, somehow I had the idea that this was a choice and through talent combined with determination I would reach that without having to sleep with one sleazy director… I’m not in such industry but clearly I had undercounted the number of incidences and simplified the unfortunate reality of such industries that my mother was somewhat right about all along.

When I was 16, I worked in fast food, standing behind the till and depending how many people were working at the front and how busy it was, it could be quite limited in space. It would be considered normal for people to accidentally bump you as they passed. At least once, one of the managers brushed passed, touching my bottom in the process. At the time I was convinced it was simply an accident, the manager was nice also and it could have been so I didn’t think much of it.

Then sometime later at a work outing, a small group of girls opened up about how common it was for them to experience inappropriate touching when this same manager passed by, the topic then quickly shifted to the deputy manager of the store who would be constantly begging a female worker for sex. I was shocked upon hearing of this and the reprise of such ‘accidental incident’ played in my mind… The reality that it wasn’t an accident makes it suddenly a big deal.

Yet it amazes me how the topic was portrayed so lightly and non-serious with this group of girls, how quick the topic could be changed and how it was made to appear as common knowledge. It was something they had learned to accept/prevent to occur again. I’m shocked at how I/(we) did nothing. I didn’t even consider what I should have done. I didn’t tell anyone. I mean what evidence did I have? I knew these could easily (as I initially did) be marked off as an accidental occurrence. I contrasted this with a genuine accident with another supervisor (he was definitely gay) who did accidentally bump my ass. He instantly apologised, yet I remember thinking how odd it was to apologise for something that  often/easily could occur in the busy space we were always actively moving around in.

I worry that people think that I am over-reacting and this story is “nothing” compared to what other women face. I agree there is worse that has happened to others but that doesn’t discount what happened in my former workplace with people of authority that clearly knew they could get away with it. The fact that as young women we also had no clue or power beside literally cover our asses is shockingly horrifying. I hope this still doesn’t happen and there are measures in place, people to talk to so these awful people are not left running such toxic environment.

There are other stories I need to share but somehow this post seems long enough, so its definitely something to be continued. I encourage you to all share your own experiences. If you would like to do so privately you can send me an email.

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Experience: Receiving My first “Dick Pics”

Only a few days ago I received my first images of the male private area. Rather than write about my original topic (Pornography) I thought I would much rather reflect on my recent experience.  While It is not my first time seeing cock, this was the first time I had anyone message me exclusively sending me an image of their (hard) cock. The amount of joy and excitement I received has surprised me as I did not realise I would enjoy it to a large extent.

In the past, the appearance of any man’s genitals did not have any appeal to me. Rather, appreciating it as a ‘tool ‘of physical fun rather than having much visual importance. In the past, I wondered if I was a lesbian yet dismissed the possibility, as female genitals had no visual appeal to me also. After playing with a cock in real life, I was able to confirm that I was definitely interested in the male anatomy no matter how foreign and strange it is. Yet through receiving both video and still image from a individual of significant interest it is clear to me that I can definitely enjoy and be aroused in a different way then expected.

The idea of sex and the insertion of any foreign objects somewhat frightens me. Yet while viewing the images sent to me I admit that I have a desire for his cock to enter my vagina, ignoring the possible pain and imagining sexual acts carried out with his cock including insertion and penetration of traditional sexual intercourse. I assume many of my readers may consider this a normal reaction that they too have experienced in the past however I just never predicted or considered it to be the case for me.

The ‘bombarding’ of unwanted visual content generated by horny men had created a past internal disgust at the idea of “dick pics”. Its clear that the context is largely important to me before being able to receive enjoyment from viewing images of such nature. I could partially be “growing up” and maturing. I question the possibility if I could I enjoy receiving “dick pics” from strangers in future? Due to my current interest and emotional connection in only one person, I couldn’t imagine myself to be aroused by images of random cock. I can confirm, by curiosity to investigate and a google search of “Man’s cock” that at this time I still have no interest or stimulation to cock belonging to individuals I have no attachment to.

A few years ago, an online friend uploaded images of his cock that I had stumbled upon. He asked me what I thought of it and in all honesty I replied that it had made me uncomfortable, requesting him not to discuss this with me in future. Which again confirms that, at this time that emotional connection is rather important to me. I’ve progressed a lot since my former self that would cringe and want to run away from a computer every time a picture or video of a dick popped up on my screen.

I’m curious to see if there is any change in future which clearly could be a possibility given my history of development. I’m also interested in hearing your stories, reflection and experiences after receiving explicit images of genitals or other body parts.  Please feel free to share by posting a comment below. Alternatively, you are free to email me. I look forward to reflecting on this post and any responses in future.

Homophobia: Bi-phobia, denial and “being straight”

For most of my life I considered myself a straight, boy-crazy romantic. It was only 5 years ago that I opened up to the realisation that I was interested in women both romantically and sexually. Prior to this I was admittedly somewhat homophobic, bi-phobic and “in-denial”. It took me a lot of thinking to reach this final stage of acceptance and secureness about my sexual identity.

My first act of homophobia that I can recall was when I was in year 7. My sister and I were walking to school, I started crossing the road too early, my sister grabs me away.  In response I exclaimed “Don’t do that, you are making me look like a lesbian!” My sister, annoyed goes home and tells my mum who asks me if I know what a lesbian was but proceeds to explain to me what one is anyway. I don’t remember how the conversation went but somehow the incident sticks in my mind for a few reasons: 1. My sister was genuinely looking out for me 2. Human contact between the same sex or anyone does not  equate to sexual tension 3. There would be nothing wrong if I looked like a lesbian even for two seconds or if I was one.

It wasn’t normalised enough at the time with a lack of accesible pro-LGBT media around. When my dad sold his bike he had to make special mention (in private) that the two ladies buying it were lesbian. I didn’t even realise the most obviously stereotypically gay kid in school wasn’t interested in girls before I “crushed” on him. I didn’t think I knew anyone was a gay and they certainly didn’t admit it at the time.

In the I remember receiving a lecture from a male friend at the time who was convinced bisexuality didn’t exist. In his eyes, people were either gay or straight with men most likely hiding their true nature as gay men under this guise. I didn’t have a strong opinion on this at the time because I didn’t know but I thought his claim was quite plausible. On the other hand, girls who claimed they were bisexual were questioned, the majority were accused of doing it out of attention, especially in my group it was seen as the new “cool trend”. I don’t know who was “genuinely bisexual” or “faking it”, if any but who I am to judge or make assumptions based on behaviour, apperance or personality. Mind reading technology does not exist. “Gaydar” isn’t accurate enough to dictate who has feelings for the same or opposite sex.  Therefore, How can anyone judge?

My dramatic shift of sexual identity was during a shift at work… “Stomach butterflies” began to flutter while serving a regular customer who was female. My internal reaction was repeating the phrase “What the f*ck” in genuine confusion. I remember seeking advice from a random guy from MSN who I’d rather talk to instead of my real life friends out of fear of judgement. I asked him, whether it made me bi?”or did I trick myself into thinking she was a guy because of her short hair and androgynous appearance? All I knew I recall was trying to find a loophole or explanation to what had happened considering I was convinced that I was straight. Somehow he calmed me down and told me, it was nothing, that I just confused myself… He convinced me it didn’t change anything and that I was still straight. Yet my interest in female breasts, glorious lesbian dreams and finally a selection of serious infatuation with women clearly proved otherwise.

Masturbation: “A Male Chore”

I can’t recall the first time I heard the word “masturbation”, supposedly sometime after learning the word “erection” in 7th grade. The two certainly do go together “hand in hand”. However, I remember my impression of it as something that men did for health purposes in releasing their excess sperm. In my eyes it was simply a mechanical act to ensure there was nothing clogging up their penis, like lump in the plumbing that needed to be pushed out. There was no initial association of it being attached to any pleasure.

Sometime in 8th grade, my close friend may have asked me if I’d fingered myself. My answer was a definite no. She then proceeded to tell me how another friend of our age practised and enjoyed it regularly. To me that was scandalous. I couldn’t believe that females did such a thing and likely believed they shouldn’t as per my conservativeness, that I’m still learning to “shake off”.

That night, in the shower I stuck my hand deeper than I did normally for cleaning purposes. Pulling in and it out a few times, but having no idea what I was to expect. I didn’t have any positive reaction, feeling rather uncomfortable. This was never re-attempted until I was 18 or 19 after learning an orgasm was beyond the point of “horniness”.

My troubled relationship with masturbation is still ongoing today. For sometime I expected it to provide me with an orgasm. I’d discovered that sticking two fingers a few times in could make me significantly wet enough for me to proceed in rubbing my clit which according to various net sources was my best bet of reaching an orgasm. I focused on orgasmic pleasure as the only aim of masturbation when it certainly should be more than that… Self exploration or fulfilment? I’ve never achieved my goal, every time feeling exhausted and assuming there is something wrong with me. I’ve stopped expecting anything from masturbating. Without any sensation of touching myself I had stopped completely for some time…

For almost a year, I’ve been messaging sexually with a man. Honestly, I masturbate for his pleasure rather than for myself. Prior to this, anytime I was “sexting”, I’d simply agree I was carrying out my conversational partners request but I was lying, in order to maintain the sexual flow of such session.  Now, I’m reconsidering the ethical dilemmas of my actions, I mean, without visual aid, there is this reliance on trust that the other person is fulfilling their end of the agreement. My morality conflicts with the concept of what “someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them”. While, I had no care at the time as there were no feelings of attachment, rather the idea that we were mutually using each other, I raise the question of whether it is “wrong” to lie in such situations?  Is it almost as bad as men pretending to be women when they initiate “cyber sexual activity”?  Or is it similar to when women fake orgasms?